Ever since I can remember I loved music. I was born in 1982 in Salem, Oregon. My parents moved around a lot until they later divorced. Both of them listened to music frequently.
Mom listened to Pop Music. Growing up in the late 80's I acquired a taste for the thick robust sound of musicians like Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel. I remember singing to the radio in the car with her thinking how amazing it would be to stand on a stage in front of a large crowd & perform. I was drawn to the synthesizers and strings.
Dad was into rock. Thus, I came to appreciate the high energy & raw emotion of groups like Bad Company, Led Zeppelin, & AC/DC.
I was first introduced to rap when I was about 9. I was never the same afterward. Something about the rhythm of people speaking rhymes over a beat resonated with me. Although the birth of Hip-Hop had narrowly passed me by, I didn't completely miss out. Groups like Grande Master Flash and the Furious 5, Eric B & Rakim, and others left their mark on me. When "Gangsta' Rap" took over the genre I was all ears.
I started making music around 18 years old. During that time God used specific people in my life to reach me in a powerful way that led me begin seeking Him. Over the next few years as my music and faith progressed it became evident the two were closely tied. My personal life also accelerated rapidly during this period and before long I was married and raising a family…. but the beat marched on.
Eventually, a ministry developed where I was blessed with abundant opportunities to share my passions of Jesus and lyricism with people across Oregon and SW Washington. Between 2013-2015 I became extremely discouraged & disenfranchised due largely to what I perceived as the failures of people who were supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ, and a feeling that I was possibly neglecting my family.
Back then I witnessed so many things that speak to how real the depravity of man can be: Celebrity elitism creeping into Christian music, betrayal by professing believers, being thrown out of a church by a misguided “youth pastor” for being too overt in preaching the name of Christ to the youth, moral failings by former ministry partners, a fellow “Christian” musician essentially attempting to fight me in the parking lot prior to a ministry event for kids, and the list goes on…
Some career changes, inconsistency in where our family worshipped, and other complications further exasperated things. Eventually I made the difficult decision to abandon music because I thought that is what God was telling me to do.
I mentioned human depravity… None of us are born immune to it. My faith started to crumble. I never renounced my belief in God or even doubted His existence, but slowly over time, I progressively failed to diligently seek Him. As that happened, I struggled more frequently and more intensely with sin in my own life and heart. I went into a wilderness… for a LONG time. Eventually, with encouragement from faithful friends I began finding my way out. When you’re lost in spiritual battle, finding your footing doesn’t always happen overnight…
When I put music down… I was nearly finished recording my sophomore solo effort, Painful Inhabitance, but I never released it. In my humble opinion it is the best music I had created yet. As the years went on, I toyed with a return to music and even started working toward that goal a few times but it always fizzled out and never felt right. Despite beginning to wander back from my spiritual exile (yes, I used that term) the years between 2019-2022 were some of the most challenging of my entire life.
Eventually, the pastor at our then church said something that impacted me deeply. He declared confidently from the pulpit that if you’re not helping other people to grow in their faith, you are not growing in your own faith. I instantly had a realization that music had been my calling and ministry to glorify God for many years, and when I left it, I did not replace it with anything. I just stopped ministering to other people.
Over the next few months, I started to ponder if God had actually told me to abandon music, or if I had simply convinced myself He was telling me that. God started to drop hints through various incidents in my life… I also had an epiphany of the correlation between my spiritual struggles and those of my wife and children.
Then I attended a Men’s Retreat with my brother and some guys from his church. God spoke so clearly through multiple people during that event, confirming things I had been thinking about, & calling me to begin seeking Him with the same passion & zeal I once had. My music continued to come up in conversation, although it absolutely wasn’t me bringing it up.
It was at this point I became convinced that I had probably made an error laying music down. However, I wasn’t convinced that meant I should necessarily pick it back up again. I asked God to give me a clear sign.
When I came back home, I was randomly approached by a coworker who asked if I realized a dog had been named after me. Confused, I listened as he explained that he and his wife had adopted a dog years earlier from a vet tech who ran a dog rescue. The name of the dog was my last name, which could’ve simply been a coincidence, unless you knew that the vet tech had evidently been exposed to my music somewhere and according to the coworker, was moved enough that she named the dog after me. (If you don’t know, my actual legal name was in the title of my first album.)
This seemed like it might be the clear sign I was seeking. About a week later I started playing around with sequencing instrumentals on my iPad and ended up writing a song. On a Saturday morning, I decided to record a reference demo with a cheap microphone I had acquired. Afterward, my family and I went to town to go to Costco.
As we approached the entrance of the store I looked over just as woman exited… wearing a shirt bearing my official artist logo. This was a shirt I had made when I released my first album over a decade ago. I didn’t even have one of them anymore & hadn’t for years prior!
I don’t believe in coincidences. I also don’t necessarily think God ALWAYS gives us clear-cut and concrete answers to our questions… Sometimes He allows us to figure things out using our intellect and the guidance of His word & principles. However, there are certainly times when He provides very direct and resounding answers to our inquiries. I received my answer...
As I grew older and more mature, I increasingly became disenfranchised with the shallowness & commercialism I saw in mainstream Hip-Hop. I began to search for something deeper. Artists like Nas, Blackalicious, Common, and Jurassic 5 became staples of my Hip Hop collection.
After what felt like 40 years in the wilderness, I stepped back into making music as God continues to shape the vision for a musical journey for which the primary focus is not record deals, streams, fans, money, or fame but to spread the Gospel while endeavoring to honor & glorify His name with whatever audience He chooses to provide me with..
The struggles and battles aren't over, but I'm pressing forward and not looking back!
